I have met so many amazing people so far, either in chat or through the other guys. I know I said I dont want a relationship at the moment and that is completely true. I am not ready for a relationship. I am not ready to be in one. I was talking to one of the other roomates the other day and I said that I have been proposed to before..hell I have been proposed to 3 different times. Twice I said no, but once I said yes. That was the worst thing I could have done.
I am not going to mention any names but we will just call him "the Egyptian." He was the perfect match to my ideal guy....rippling with muscles, deep brown sparkling eyes. His personality, so I thought, was so amazing...as beautiful as he was. Of course, it was too good to be true.
He developed a habit of talking to me for like 2 weeks and then i would'nt hear from him for a couple of months. Then we would talk for 2 weeks and then nothing. It hurt...alot. It still hurts so much to even think about it. We had everything planned. We even had the honeymoon planned. Our honeymoon was going to be in Fiji, we had one of those private huts on the beach. Just us two..it was going to be perfect.
After a while, I got sick of the mind games. I grew tired of always waiting and wanting. I could not do it anymore. I finally called everything off and I could not take it anymore. It hurts so much. I thought I was over him until he contacted me this past week. He gave me the same old bullshit saying he loves me and sorry for hurting me. I stupidly wanted to believe him. Now he is doing the same antics as before.
He will not respond to my messages or calls. So I am giving up on him. I have never felt this way over anyone, guy or girl. I honestly hate this feeling and I am not the one that will just be ga ga over someone again. I am past the point of hurt to the point where I am just down right angry and pissed off. I even let my creative writing juices flow and I wrote a stupid little poem about how I felt. How the darkness seemed to enclose on my and cloud my happiness. How I could not breath....well...here it is:
LONE DARKNESS
It all seemed so bright.
It all seemed so true.
Now there is no light.
It is all black and blue.
The darkness closes in.
The truth takes hold.
Drowning in my sin
Drowning in the cold.
The pain is too much
The pain is too real
It hurts to the touch
It hurts to the feel
I want it to stop
I want to forget
My stress wont drop
He is my one regret
The dark embraces me
It touches my core
I can no longer see
The one I did adore
I know that it may seem dark and wicked, but honestly...that is how I am feeling right now. I can relate to Elphaba in Wicked. The perfect thing seemed so close and yet so far. Eventually it was too far out of my reach. Sometimes I wonder if the saying is true, No good deed goes unpunished.
Other than that it has been a fairly uneventful week. Brian's bday party was sunday night and we had alot of fun. We had lube wrestling and I won!! haha i was shocked actually. I like to call it Toss the Twink!!! haha Wednesday was his actual bday and they went to Pulse which I am sure was alot of fun.
I had me a couple of dates this week, which was nice. I stayed the night at a friends last night and I enjoyed myself immensly. He took alot of stress off of my mind and took my mind away from the Egyptian. Oh well...every day is a new day. I guess that is pretty much it for me. Tune in next week and see what happens....dont forget to catch my chats this week!!!
PEACE AND LOVE!!!
2 comments:
That was very touching Cole. You seem ike such a sweet guy!:-)
thank you so much dan. you are a sweetie
Post a Comment